As much as MTM deserves a tribute, this is not about her my lovely icon. Ode to the original modern woman will come in another post. On this day 19 years ago, my mom died after a short and brutal battle with cancer.
I miss my mommy. Wow! That’s the first time I have admitted to those feelings “out loud”. Lulu was only five weeks old on January 25, 1998. A day I will never forget. Mom died in the nursing home, daddy at her side.
I was in for Mr. Toad’s wild ride … postpartum hormones raging, emotions swirling, grief to my core despite the miracle baby girl who almost was not to be. God bestowed Lulu upon us to keep me from going insane. I am sure of it!
I spent the first 15 years or so after mom’s passing being angry. Angry for lots of things that I will not air here. Surprise! J-Dub doesn’t always have to tell all. ooh and that keeping it to myself business is killing me smalls.
Mom did EVERYTHING for ME! She gave up so much of herself to fall on the sword that is sometimes motherhood. She gave until she had nothing left to give. She tried hard to make things perfect. She was the master controller. She tried to take the brunt of life’s woes to spare me from what she experienced herself. Her fierce protection makes me grateful but also, her sacrifice of self makes me sad.
Mom was the youngest of seven: four boys and three girls; one sister died in childhood. They lived on a farm in Runge Texas. Times were tough. At age 15, her father died. At age 18, her mother died. She lived with her brother (Salt of the Earth) my uncle R upon their mother’s passing. My uncle R and aunt C were newlyweds when they took mom in. The living arrangements were not ideal to say the least. Arrangements that she remedied by getting quickly married the first time.
Much of the rest of her life before ME remained a mystery. I always assumed the lack of info was because her parents were gone. Now I know differently. My cousin shared details with me of our mothers’ childhoods. Things previously kept secret from me until both mom and my aunt were long gone. Estrangement and other issues affected mom in ways one could not fully understand. Her morose feelings secretly crept into our lives. Knowing what I know now; I can understand and forgive. As a parent myself, I get she did the best she could under the circumstances. Forgiveness has allowed me to accept the inevitable.
And I am NOT lamenting my childhood though. Far from it! From my purview, I had a Mayberry R.F.D. perfect childhood. Full of memories of love and laughter. I choose to remember only the best of times. Despite the duality of life making childhood also the worst of times. Dickens-esque sentiment for sure.
Do I wear rose colored glasses? Am I in denial? Maybe? but none of that matters because what truly matters is that I have taken a step back to realize what is most important in my life and I know what I can’t live without. Thank you FB friend (who shall remain nameless) for the final parting thoughts.
As always, more to come.