Tomorrow would have been her 52nd birthday. Still seems unreal that she is gone. That they are both gone leaving two adult orphans (if you call a 17 year old and an almost 19 year old adults). Proof that life can be unfair. Yet despite this, life goes on. Sometimes in halting fashion but still forward, always forward.
She had written in her will that she wanted us to scatter some of her ashes off the Navarro Street bridge and then run like hell. We didn’t do that but we did have lunch at Rosario’s in her honor. Serendipity has me working at the downtown office these days. Maybe tomorrow I will just have to take an early morning stroll across the Navarro street bridge to remember my sister in law.
Sometimes life is about taking the sourest lemons life has to offer and making something resembling lemonade.
Truth be told, I am more than a little pissed off. The stage of grief that is ANGER has come back to rear its’ ugly head. I try to put the angry thoughts aside and remember that last year on this day, we had an early celebration of her daughter’s 18th birthday. The year before that, on this day we were at her son’s JV football game – entire family came to be together – just for a few hours – some from long distances; even when they had a long drive back to get work to the next day. I picture her sitting in the stands, her bald head covered in a knit cap. Cheering for her boy. I remember sitting there as well. All of us together. Counting my blessings that night. Family shows up!
Oh how I wish for one more day. Just one … not for me, for her kids. Their pain is palpable. I know having been through the same. First birthday without mom. That f*cKing sucks! No way to sugarcoat that kind of pain.
Thank goodness the stages of grief do not flow in a linear fashion. Acceptance will come back very soon no doubt … after the first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year maybe. We are preparing for a rough couple of months. Part of the journey back is sharing her picture, with that wistful look on her face. Being faithful and knowing this was all part of the plan. Looking for silver linings. Remembering her spirit and that contagious laughter … all the while smiling in spite of the pain.
As always, more to come …