The year is 1991, we are winding down after Pony Boy’s 3rd birthday party. Just kind of chillaxing. Pony Boy is conked out – napping and Billy Bob and I were talking about having another baby. That day was so GOOD; reinforced our decision. We were ready. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned.
By 1996, Jilly was SAD :(. Billy Bob and I would have the same conversation, just like a washing machine stuck on perpetual spin. I can FEEL to this day the depth of my emotion. I remember sitting with Billy Bob on the couch, the dim lighting, after Pony Boy was sound asleep, we were in our hovel on Huth Drive. Our talks went something like this:
Billy Bob: “Why aren’t Pony Boy and I enough for you? Don’tcha love us?”
Me: “How can you even ask me that!? Of course I love you”
Me continued “but something is missing, can’t you feel it? My heart breaks when I think of Pony Boy … all alone … if something happens to us”
Billy Bob: “Don’t worry about Pony Boy, he will never be alone, he has lots of friends already. He will make a family somewhere. I can’t even imagine him alone”
Me: “A friend is NOT a brother, a friend is NOT a sister. You don’t understand”
Billy Bob: “I wish I could … that I could fix this … all we can do is think this … if it happens, it was meant to be, if not you have to let go”
And I have to ask myself, why did I care so much? I had a happy healthy son. All was right with the world. But I was sad, life was not fair. It was so easy the first time. What was going on this time? Being poked and prodded; then told the tests were inconclusive.
Oh how I cared and how it bothered me when people would ask why our kids were 9 1/2 years apart? How rude! As if it even matters. Or they will assume they have different baby daddies. How rude! As if it even matters. And before Lulu came along, they said mean things like how only children are spoiled so why didn’t we “fix” that and have another child. How rude! As if it even matters. They didn’t know things were not going as planned AND they didn’t know Pony Boy! He was such a sweet kid and he shared easily. He was just a goofy, smily, funny little boy. He made friends quickly and easily everywhere we’d go. Billy Bob was right and I finally let go.
Then, a miracle. We found out I was expecting Lulu in March of 1997. This may have been my second rodeo but the pregnancy was different. I had gestational diabetes this time; self testing my blood 3 times a day. Adhered to a very strict diet which helped keep everything under control. Still as a worrier by nature, I was scared. Billy Bob, my mom and my dad did their best to help me not worry. What I didn’t know until later was that during that time my mom was privately battling health issues of her own.
I was at work like normal on 12/15/97. I left early for my doctor’s appointment. I was going weekly then. Dr. B was watching me like a hawk; she took such good care of me. During the sonogram at the final appointment, my memory is foggy but I heard something about cord in each quadrant and/or not enough fluid ??? The team recommended we induce … so that’s what happened. We had our game plan and I went straight from the doctor’s office back to work. YES! I sure did. I had to finish a few things. I was quick, in and out, let my boss know she’d see me in 12 weeks.
I beeped Billy Bob when I was done at the office (yes this was just before cell phones were popular, they had them but we didn’t have one yet, Billy Bob loved his beeper lol). He knew just to meet me; don’t call me, call his parents and then just go. The in-laws picked up Pony Boy from school and brought him to us. Pony stayed a while, so excited … mainly it was the cafeteria pudding but maybe his baby sister brought some excitement too. Eventually they went home. The only damper was that my parents were in Galveston at my Uncle’s funeral. I remember how my mom cried the happiest tears when she found out Lulu was delivered safely and that both of her girls were okay.
Mom would die 5 weeks later. Five, freaking weeks! Life is so NOT fair. Unfortunate! Though a silver lining shone through, because there is always, always, always a silver lining. My precious baby girl helped me to survive what would have otherwise killed me. I was close with my Mamaw but if possible, I was even closer to my mom. How fortunate that both my babies came along at times in my life when loved ones had passed on. You see that is fortunate. That is how things were supposed to be!
Today, 9-1-2016, mom would have turned 84 years young (as my daddy would have said). Hard to believe 18 years have passed. Hard to believe, we’ve come so far. My heart is full and that is all.
As always, more to come …
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 