Depression and Anxiety struggles no one understands

Sharing. Sugar is akin to cocaine … very adept description. The entire post is enlightning. No Cher in Moostruck saying snap out of it. If only winning the war on anxiety and depression were that easy. .

Eddie Star Blog

Inexplicable mood swings

One of the problems that people with depression deal with is random mood swings. One morning, you may wake up and feel like are going to deal with a challenging day but can deal with it. Other days you will wake up and feel like the apocalypse is beckoning you to come outside. It will be a struggle to deal with the most trivial matters, and no one will understand why you seem ‚Äúout of it‚ÄĚ. It will be days when you are loquacious and clear minded, and other days when you will be completely anti-social and introverted.

Triggers and cues

You are sitting down watching the nightly news, and hear the death announcement of a childhood TV personality you idolized. You recognize that the celebrity is close in age to your parents and you start to immerse your thoughts into mortality and death. The death…

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How to you define family?

Merriam Webster has multiple definitions but in recent history, the following definition was added:

A group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation 

I chose this more liberal definition instead of the¬†strict definition requiring a bloodline. ¬†I know there are people who will disagree. ¬†Family is blood. ¬†Heritage is important and I get that … really I do … painfully so to the point of exclusion in some cases. ¬†Yet¬†we are bound by so many things …

I have two daughters – one I gave birth to¬†and one by marriage but they are both MY¬†girls. When¬†Pony’s mother in law started calling him son, he asked me if I minded. ¬†He said someone else calling him son felt¬†strange. ¬†I thought his asking me how I felt was super sweet. ¬†I told him of course I didn’t mind … not one single bit and that I was very happy for him. ¬† I even cried happy tears … my son was loved not just by me.

My own experience was quite difference. ¬†I expected to call Billy Bob’s parents mom & dad but was told upon learning of our engagement – well “Don’t start calling¬†me mom, you’ve already got one of those” ¬†Uh, ok … line drawn. I did not understand … growing up¬†I even had parents of friends who I called mom & dad. ¬†What’s in a name? ¬†Everything!

I have always loved quickly, easily and unconditionally.  I love automatically and by extension.  My heart is open; my heart is full.

This makes me very happy but I am also vulnerable; that feelings will not be reciprocated. That somehow it is just too much. ¬†That I feel too much. ¬†I do not like¬†that part … still I would not change a thing … as if I could … I can only try … because it is in my nature … it is who I am.

From Cam in Modern Family¬†‘I’m sort of like Costco. I’m big, I’m not fancy and I dare you to not like me.”

As always, more to come …

A Bonus of Physical Therapy – Thank you Thank You Very Much! ūüé∂ūüé∂

I met a real life Elvis impersonator. ¬† Very friendly guy. ¬† When we first met last week I thought now that’s a throwback hairstyle. ¬† And now I know why.

We did our circuits together one right after the other. ¬† He noticed my polo shirt with the eagle and shared that his¬†day job is security for my job. We’re coworkers!! ¬†Automatic brethren. ¬†He is protecting ¬†the mothership on Fredericksburg Road.

His fanbase is people in nursing ¬†homes. ¬† Now if that doesn’t make you smile, you are tinfoil inside. ¬†How fabulous! ¬† And as today was his last day, Elvis has left the building. ¬† Thank you, thank you very much!!!

As always, more to come.

Be Kind

Quite by accident I overheard something I can’t forget. ¬†I’m conflicted. ¬† This was over the wall conversation. ¬† Meant to be private. ¬† Two people plotting against a coworker using words like we don’t need her ¬†… we will give our proposal … she doesn’t have to be a part of this … we certainly don’t want her to know.

I get there are two sides to every story and I have no idea what is the basis for this action but all I could think about was how mean and how awful I would feel if I was on the receiving end. I thought at a minimum if you have to do something do it but be kind.  There is no place for ugliness.

As always, more to come.

Dreams – Do They Mean Anything?

I used to be enamored with dream psychology.  I am not sure there is any real meaning to dreams but for a time, to analyze them was tons of fun.  In about 6th or 7th grade, I had a regular reoccurring dream about marrying a boy (M) from my church who happened to live in my neighborhood.  We grew up one block and three streets apart but my friend lived just one house away from him.

I’d visit my friend¬†and spend nights there. ¬†We did so much walking back and forth during the summers. ¬†Or bike riding. ¬†We roamed the neigborhood in packs. ¬†He was¬†two or three¬†years older than us and the proverbial BAD boy. ¬†hubba. hubba.

Used to be you didn’t¬†need a license to drive a dirt bike … motorcycle yes but dirt bike no. ¬†He’d zip around the neighborhood like Kelly Leak from Bad News Bears. ¬†I remember like it was yesterday … one afternoon when he came running over to where we sat in the grass … all out of breath, told us he had to stash his bike – said he was running from Johnny Law. ¬†He asked us to tell the cops (if they showed up) that he had been with us the whole time. ¬†Heart beating out of my chest. ¬†Afterwards part of me thought he lied about the whole thing. ¬†He did have a tendency to exaggerate. ¬†He was so risky … dangerous … and that was part of his appeal. ¬†A smoker too. ¬†hubba. hubba. ¬†Don’t judge y’all, it was the 70s¬†after all.

My dream repeated itself, ¬†getting¬†married in an elaborate church wedding. ¬†Because I had the same dream over and over, I was sure it’d come true. ¬†I had the BIGGEST crush on him. ¬†Of course he was a player and lots of girls had the biggest crush on him. ¬†Since I had easy access and saw him more often, I mistakenly assumed I had an in. ¬†He was just too nice to say otherwise. He broke my heart … he broke lots of hearts.

He was very brotherly though and we were great friends. ¬†He kept my friend and I out of the trouble that he himself got in. ¬†I remember him standing on my front porch telling us to never become him. ¬†He could drink, smoke, party hard¬†but that was NOT for us. ¬†We lost touch after he dropped out of highschool. ¬†I can’t remember if he eventually graduated or not – maybe he got a GED. ¬†I think he was in and then kicked out of the service. ¬†For a time, he lived out of state. ¬†Last I remember, his dad got him a job, last ditch effort to stay out of trouble but on his lunch breaks, he’d take off and wander around. ¬†The job didn’t last due to lack of attendance. ¬†So sad really,¬†he became an addict. ¬†I wonder where he is and how is is doing today.

And what does not have to do with anything?!?!?  De nada.  Just musing and rambling on this rainy, cooler day.

As Alway, More To Come …

The Route Home

I drive up St. Mary’s to Cesar Chavez to 37 S to 90 E to Roland Rd, to¬†Rigsby which turns into HWY 87 E – onward to HOME. ¬†As I crawl up St. Mary’s, I am always struck by what I see. ¬†The proverbial never a dull moment. ¬†Today as I sat at a red light in front of the Aztec Theater I see what looks to be Lulu’s cohort – 18 to 20 something year old girls all lined up waiting for entrance to …¬†drum roll please … Charlie Puth and Haley¬†¬†Knox. ¬†Hmmm, even I’d like to see that show.

I hope they make memories tonight.  Living in the moment Рpast forgotten and future nowhere in sight.

As always, more to come …

Book Reviews: In the Unlikely Event, The Silent Wife and I Let You Go

I am living a life’s dream come true ūüôā … Still loving the online public library and ease of use through my Kindle. ¬†Thanks to technology, I am reading for pleasure every single day. ¬†Plus it is FREE and I am a cheap skate even when it comes to books … which are GOLD. ¬†I rarely re-read and therefore cannot see the investment – even of cheap paperbacks and of course then there is the storage aka clutter. ¬†I have a strong dislike for clutter. ¬†Read further at your own risk. ¬†No spoilers really but as with any work of art, judge for yourself. ¬†I don’t want my opinion to sway yours and that can happen even if accidentally.

Here are my rainy day thoughts about these three recently read novels:

First, In the Unlikely Event¬†none other than Judy Blume writes about real events with a fictional twist. ¬†This would be described as VERY loosely based on real events. ¬†Let’s ¬†just say I never want to fly in to Newark NJ. ¬†There is a litany of characters ultimately too many to keep track of though Miri and her family held the most interest for me. ¬†Set in the 1950s through present day, this close-knit community could be any town USA. ¬†Or Peyyton Place …

Second, The Silent Wife by A.S.A. Harrison reads in alternating scenes – him, her back and forth. ¬†A psychological thriller but not really a “who done it” because that you know from the start. ¬†The characters are¬†not too sympathetic, deeply flawed and only one gets what he¬†truly deserves … if anyone really deserves anything that is … The¬†author wrote this debut¬†novel at age 65 and was in the process of writing the second when she passed away. ¬†That fact is almost more interesting than¬†the story. ¬†Gives hope and brings truth to the saying that it is NEVER TOO LATE!

Third, I Let You Go by Claire Mackintosh reminds me of Sleeping with the Enemy by Nancy Price and the movie of the same title starring Julia Roberts and Patrick Bergman.  Not identical but some key concepts Рhiding from abusive spouse and finding love with another.  Two twists save the story in my opinion.  Read it and see if you agree.