Going Off The Rails On This Crazy Train

Have you ever done something for someone?  Uh yes, Jill I am not a sociopath. (see prior blog post)

Was that something little to no benefit for yourself ?

Did the recipient appreciate your actions?

Did you try again, with only their feelings in mind?

Did you do this over and over again invoking the very definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome

If yes, welcome to my world.  I am the proverbial people pleaser.  I always have been.  I do not recall a time when I made a major life decision without considering what someone else would like.  If I did, put myself first, I felt guilt.  Almost through osmosis I believe that good little girls do not talk back, we are subservient, the proverbial sugar and spice and everything nice.  We nurture and we are caregivers who place others interests above our own.  Yes I am stereotyping I know.

So rewind … this is me! … I do this. ¬†I have done this my entire life striving to reach some unrealistic ideal. ¬†And last week¬†I almost brought Lulu along with me. ¬†I almost guilted her into doing something she really didn’t want to do … for me. ¬†And my motives were what other people might think¬†… what other people already think. ¬†And then, my motive was to reach into the grave and keep my parents from rolling over. ¬†This is not how things were supposed to be. ¬†Another in J-Dub’s¬†series of unfortunate events. ¬†That event is a blog for another day though.

Fortunately, I had an epiphany, a glorious realization because as a mama bear, I want to protect my cub … to save her from feeling that she owes EVERYONE something¬†at the exception or expense of HERSELF.

Thank goodness she stood up to me and said no … in the most polite way, very respectful, almost acquiescing with a firm “I’d be doing this for YOU only” And that is when I realized that ‘no’ was okay and what other people think of us is not our concern.

As always, more to come …



Owen Meany Scores

I’m enjoying my renewed favorite pastime. ¬†I’ve recently read¬†a few biographies making light of tough times. ¬†Authors using humor as a coping mechanism. ¬†I can relate as that’s my modus operandi as well. Laughter truly is the BEST medicine and attitude IS everything. ¬†Not magic like one can wish herself well but at least the time is tolerable as life goes on … until it doesn’t.

So what’s this got to do with Owen Meany? Well the novel: A prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving is a story with laughter. ¬†A story of two best friends growing up together. ¬†I am struck by how a fictional story can be so realistic. The characters are people you’d swear you knew.

Owen is supposed to be very small in stature and have a very distinct voice. ¬†Mr Irving gets this point across by using all CAPS when writing Owen’s dialog. ¬†I find myself reading with my inside voice mimicking a gravelly voice trying to yell. ¬†My own one man show. ¬†And I’m laughing out loud at some of the scenes. ¬†People in this waiting room are looking at me as I am reading because I can’t help but laugh.

I don’t remember much of seeing Simon Birch, the movie this book is loosely based on but I know that movie can’t do justice to what my mind makes up reading his written word. ¬†Mr Irving, you’re a genius.

Picture this … The occasion is a wedding. ¬†A large New England homestead. ¬†The garden is set for the reception. ¬†The guests are only allowed to use the downstairs bathrooms and there is a long line.

Hester tries to sneak upstairs to another bathroom.  After all she is family but grandmother catches her and says no.

Her two brothers Noah and Simon along with John and Owen tease Hester and say ha ha we will just use the bushes. ¬† Too bad you can’t. ¬†Hester storms outside after the boys. ¬†Makes them stand guard while she uses the bushes too. ¬†For some unknown reason her white cotton panties come all the way off and are given to Owen to hold. ¬†He freaks out and shoves them in his suit pocket. After putting them on his head that is … lol!

Some other silliness ensues and Owen refuses to return the undies. ¬†Hester hisses at him to give them back but he’s always purposefully standing by an adult saying are you sure you want then back now?!? ¬†Hester hissing no not now!

Eventually as the bride and groom are leaving the reception a thunderstorm hits. ¬† Hester’s ¬†pretty yellow dress is plastered to her skin and her mom seeing this yells Hester what is wrong with you and why aren’t you wearing your panties? ¬†Hester runs inside crying as the boys just look at each other. ¬†Like don’t ask me. ¬†Years later the belief is that Owen kept the underwear … all these years… as a souvenir … just like the armadillo claws. ¬† Another funny story within the story.

Can’t you just picture it? ¬† The boys: Noah, Simon, Johnny and Owen with poor Hester. ¬†The teasing of brotherly-cousinly-friendly love. ¬†I’m only 28% into this Kindle edition too. ¬†This is a never ending saga and I’m in for the long haul. ¬†Won’t you ride along with me?

As always, more to come …





I love old people. Especially old men.

Mind outta the gutter people. ¬†I’m sitting here waiting for my doctor. ¬†There’s an older gentleman with his son waiting too. ¬†The nurse calls him back and he says “ok let me start my Cadillac” it’s his walker. ¬†He is being funny. ¬†He then says ¬†“it’s an older model because there are no air bags”. ¬†That’s him. ¬†So sweet. ¬†I just LOVE him. ¬†Makes me miss my daddy. Makes me think in act 3 I’ll be volunteering at the nursing home.

Feeling blessed.  Hoping for a diagnosis.  Happy Thursday one and all. Make it a good one.

As always, more to come …

Addendum: just so happened that we checked out at the same time. ¬†My older gentleman crush was with his grandson not his son. ¬†Even better because the grandson reminded me of T. ¬†Man bun and all. ¬†His G’Pa kept cracking wise. “I think I’ll just sit here and make my grandson wheel me out … ¬†And don’t tell on me to his mother. ¬†My daughter wants me to walk before I can’t walk any longer. Pfft. ¬†Walking is overrated.” He is so cute !!!!! I might have to follow him home.

The Possibilities

Lulu and I had some deep conversations before she left for school. ¬†She was understandably nervous and sad. ¬†She was leaving her girls. ¬†The three Ws who for four years sat/stood by each other every time they did anything alphabetically. ¬†Friends who had had each other’s backs and who always accepted each other automatically … No conditions … No matter what. ¬†No questions asked. ¬†They said goodbye. ¬†All going ¬†separate ways with tears and promises to stay in touch.

They probably won’t. ¬†Stay in touch. I didn’t tell Lulu that though. ¬†Why make it worse. ¬†And … I could be wrong. ¬†Wouldn’t be the first time. What I did say was this:

I hope you’re excited baby girl. You haven’t even met the people that’ll be with you the rest of your life ¬† Just think about that. ¬†This is a beginning. ¬† Full of choices. ¬†And I know you’ll choose well.

I recently read that if you stay friends for seven years, you’ll stay friends forever. ¬†That explains the St Margaret Mary’s¬†crew. ¬†K to 8th for most of us. ¬†That also explains my dear work friends. ¬†Of course there are no rules of friendship. ¬†Not true friendship anyways. ¬†The heart wants what the heart wants.

I’ll leave you with this tune ūüé∂ Make new friends but keep the old. ¬†One is silver and the others gold ūüé∂ ¬† ¬†

As always, more to come.