I’m Becoming The Protagonist!!!

I love/hate when that happens …

I checked out six eBooks from the San Antonio Public library yesterday.  That’s probably too many books to read in 21 days but I just could not decide.  I inhale books anyway so a DEEP breath and away I go.  The first one “IT WAS ME ALL ALONG” by Andie Mitchell hooked me from the start.  It’s a non-fiction gem and that probably explains why I am projecting.  I think that’s the psychological term for what I am experiencing … PROJECTING.  Yes I am a certifiable Web MD, Monday morning quarterback, self diagnosing shrink.

The descriptions of food well oh my gawd.  I am sure I have a non-specified eating disorder.  I am not joking.  The topic is not a funny one.  Laughter might bring some levity and help deal with the situation and I DO crack-wise to deflect (another term, thank you Web MD)my true deep introverted feelings but I’d never joke about any eating disorder.

One thing I know for sure is that we cannot tell if someone is healthy solely from the outside.  Example, My skinny former co-worker who ate once a day at work, never ate dinner and fasted all day most weekends.  She was also addicted to diuretics.   She was not healthy but she looked it.  I cringe when I go back to the home office and someone says to me “Jill you look good, I like the new hair color; your hair it is getting so long (that I like – thank you Lori Kelley).  Have you lost some weight?, I can tell in your face (that I don’t) .”

I’ll say thanks but think uh yep but that’s stress and skipping meals – worrying about my kiddos and life’s global problems.  I gave up my walking habit (too damn hot I tell myself, we’ll see if I start again in September???) and I’m generally a slug most days.  I think how easy it’d be to get back up to 175 lbs.  And how FUN! NO not really.  I know I’d only feel worse anyway.  Instead I obsess over food.

People are hyper-focused with what’s on the outside.  WAKE UP people it’s what’s on the inside that counts.  I fall victim to that too and God help me … the guilt … it consumes me overwhelming sadness sets in when I realize what I’ve done to my sweet baby girl.  I’m the worst person ever.

But I don’t have the worst person ever forover because today I decide to change!  Yep just like that. POOF done! And in the spirit of keep on swimming and there is always a silver lining, I get to read books … like this one … that teach me a lesson … a lesson that I didn’t even realize I needed until I got schooled.  Schooled in the BEST way possible.  THANK YOU Andie Mitchell for being brave enough to share your story.  Thank you folks, if you made it to the end of this rambling.

As always, more to come …

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